It's Where My Demons Hide
by Spencer Salvawhore
Summary: Spencer still has nightmares about losing Toby, and she feels like she is losing her mind. They don't talk about it much, but this time, with everything so muddled up inside her mind, they just might have to. He's the only one who can mend her broken heart. Will he do it this time as well? One Shot. Highly emotionally charged and angsty. Post 4x15. [When she moves in with him]


**A/N: Everyone who knows me should know how I feel about the fact that Spencer and Toby RARELY talk about 3B, or the fact that she saw him DEAD. Such a thing was sure to have a long lasting impact on her, and I wanted to explore that. Canonically, this took place after 4x15. Title and lyrics are from the song 'Demons' by Imagine Dragons.**

* * *

_Your eyes, they shine so bright  
I wanna save that light  
I can't escape this now  
Unless you show me how_

_xxx_

**It's Where my Demons Hide**

It was the same sight again.

She moved with extreme caution, fear reverberating inside of her. The eerily familiar woods offered little comfort, and she tightened her fist, walking towards the lake. She blinked her eyes as the image became clearer.

_An accident_. A man was sprawled beside his motorbike, his body lying in a mangled position. The thudding in Spencer's heart increased, and she jogged towards the site, the dread nearly consuming her. When she saw a tattoo on his exposed skin, she nearly died.

_901. Free At Last_. No. No No. _NO_. It couldn't be, could it? Her eyes scanned the rest of his body and she noticed the silvery black helmet. It had been a gift from her, actually. Hands shaking, she bent down to push it away.

"He's dead!" A cruel voice shot through the woods and Spencer felt herself crumble in panic and fear. This had happened one too many times. _She had to snap out of it_.

But she didn't. She couldn't. Pushing Mona's cold voice out of her head, she ran her tiny hand across the helmet and slowly pulled it off, the tears freely falling down her cheeks. As she pulled it off, her heart stopped beating when she saw the face. NO. He couldn't be...no...this was not possible.

"Toby!" She screeched, her voice hoarse. Without hesitation, she flipped him around, and pressed her head to his chest, straining to hear a heartbeat. For a moment it was like nothing had changed, and she was just snuggling into his chest on a lonely winter day. But then she realized. No heartbeat. Not one. She let out a strangled cry, and started shaking him. He had betrayed her, but she couldn't live without him. No no no no.

"Will you...will you please tell me...this is a joke?" She asked through heaving sobs. Her chest hurt from the amount she had been crying in the past few days, but seeing him like this hurt way more than his betrayal. "Please...Toby, ple...please."

She curled up against his cold body, desperate to feel something, _anything_. Unlike always, he didn't loop his hand around her or protect her. Or tell her he loved her. She would give up anything for him to come back. Anything to be in his arms again. Anything to feel loved and comforted and safe.

_But that was all gone now, wasn't it?_ She could feel his shirt get drenched with her tears, but she didn't care. All she wanted was for him to come back. It was all her fault. All her stupid, silly little fault.

"Toby please!" She let out a strangled cry, and all she wished in this moment was that she was dead too.

"Nothing you say will bring him back honey." _Mona_.

"Go away," Spencer growled, refusing to look up from his chest. "Why did you kill him? What did he do to you?"

"It's all your fault. You had a chance and you ruined it."

"Just stop...please just stop."

"Sadly, he would have died for you. He was on your side honey, all the time. That is why he had to go. See, unlike you, I don't take betrayal very well."

"What?" Before she had time to process her words, strong hands were on her, prying her away from him. "LET GO OF ME! NO! LET GO!"

She didn't want to leave him. _It was Toby_. She could never hate him. Why were they taking her away from him? What were they going to do to her? To him. She pushed against the maniacal hands, desperate to get back to him. After everything that had happened, there was no way she was just going to let them separate them, **yet again**.

But her captor wasn't having any of it. His – or her – hold was iron tight, and Spencer felt herself going limp in his or her hands. Her eyes were on Toby. Only Toby. She wanted to get to him so badly, she needed to. What had Mona said? He was on her side all the time? Did that mean...oh no. No. No way, he _loved_ her and now he was dead, _because_ of her.

"TOBY!"

None of this was happening, she couldn't live without him. _She wouldn't_. He was Toby after all. The only man she ever loved. Suddenly, a few people clad in black hoodies stepped around him, and she fought to keep him in her eye of vision. From the distance she could see that fire was being lit. What? Why was fire being lit? Panic seized inside her damaged heart, and she let out a strangled cry once again. The hoodies stepped away, and she saw thought was the last sight she would ever see.

**Toby being set on fire.**

She didn't want to live after witnessing something like that. She wouldn't. It was the end.

XXX

Spencer sat up in her bed, tears streaming down her cheeks and her torso drenched in sweat. Blinking furiously, she tried to take in her surroundings. Where was she? The room seemed familiar, in a comforting way. She tried to push her hair away from her face, trying to make sense of what was going on. Where had Mona brought her?

Remembering the sight only sent a fresh bout of tears cascading down her cheeks. Her chest hurt from all the crying, and she started feeling around the bed, hoping to figure out where she was. A smooth metallic object touched her hands, and she pulled it closer to her. _Her phone_. Why would Mona let her have her phone? Shaking hands, she pressed a few buttons unless she lit up.

Where was she? She pointed the phone down to her body, and realized that she was sitting in a bed, dressed in Toby's shirt and boxers. Wait. What? She massaged her already throbbing head, forcing herself to think, understand and comprehend what was going on.

Suddenly, it all became clear to her. The knitted blanket lying at the foot of the bed, and the cozy pillow she was propped against told her she was in Toby's loft. The past night's incidents flooded in front of her eyes. A dangerous fight with her father which forced her to move in with Toby. His careful, protective arms welcoming her openly, holding her while she told him what happened. Having dinner in his bed, with his arms draped around her, and the slow, yet desperate session of love making that followed. That explained her current outfit. A smile appeared on her lips when she remembered pulling on his clothes and his amused expression after.

So everything else was a nightmare. She rested her head on her knee, trying to calm her wild heart. Despite everything, she couldn't fully bring herself out of the nightmare. Seeing him like that, seeing Toby _dead_ and set on fire...it was the worst of all. The nightmare often plagued her sleep, but she never went this far. It always ended with her chasing Mona around the woods. Never. This. Far. No.

"Toby," she whispered. The only one, the only thing that could calm her down was the man who had her heart. "Toby please wake up."

Her voice broke, and she was finding it hard to keep steady. Why wasn't he up? Not looking up, she felt around his side of the bed, and felt a jolt of shock pass through her when she realized it was empty and cold. She looked sideways, pointing her phone's light to guide her. It hadn't been slept it.

Panic and dread started rising up her chest. Oh no. _Oh no_. Was this a cruel ploy of Mona's after all? How did she even manage to get her into Toby's house, let alone in his clothes? Was the entire thing with her father a dream and everything before that as well? She could barely make out the difference between reality and dreams.

Her body trembling, she slid off the bed, desperate to find out the truth. Nothing made sense to her any more, and it was all extremely muddled up inside her brain. It felt like her legs had turned into lead as she dragged them down the stairs, fear nearly driving her crazy. What would she find down there? The tears had started falling again, and Spencer was surprised she could actually cry this much. Her eyes were itchy and irritable, and her body was entirely sore.

The light was on downstairs, and she moved with extreme caution. What in the world was she going to find down there? As she reached the end of the stairs, she peered towards the living room, her heart in her mouth.

She almost screamed in relief when she saw Toby working away on his laptop, oblivious to what was happening around him. She collapsed to floor, clutching her heart. Despite the relief that passed her on seeing him, the fear and panic were far from gone. She started crying hysterically, making loud, heaving sobs. Honestly, she wasn't even entirely sure _why_ she was crying at the moment, whether it was from the relief of seeing him or because the nightmare nearly tore her apart, or because she felt like she was losing her freaking mind.

"Spencer?"

She didn't have to look up to see the concern wrought all over his face. She could sense it in his voice. She didn't want him to be concerned. _She was okay_. It was him that she was worried about. Was she seeing ghosts? Was any of it even real...

"Spencer, hey. Spence. What's wrong?" His voice was gentle and comforting. He touched her oh so softly, and she finally looked up. Shock was written all over his face. Holding onto his hand for support, she got up and hauled herself into his arms, pulling him as close to her as physically possible. His arms went around her immediately, holding on tightly. "Spence?"

"Toby," was all she managed to say before the nightmare danced around in her mind tauntingly. Teasingly. No no no no no. "Please, hold me."

The full impact of her nightmare hit her, and she began shaking in his arms. Usually a touch from him would have calmed her down immediately, but right now, nothing seemed to work. She started screaming out his name in hysteria, unable to calm down. _She wanted to, __**but she couldn't.**_ It was as if all that she could think about was the nightmare. It kept replaying itself in her mind, and she couldn't do anything to stop it.

"Spence, honey, please tell me what is wrong, please." His voice was pleading as he rubbed her back soothingly. She closed her eyes, leaning into him even closer than before. She murmured his name, over and over again, just wanting to be this close to him. Her body was still trembling, and the panic and fear in her chest were still fresh.

He tried pulling back, but she refused to let go. "No, please." She begged. "Don't let me go. Please."

"I won't, honey, I promise. I am here, always." His hands were around her again, and she felt the slightest sense of comfort trickling in. This was good. He was good. She didn't want to be away from him.

"Toby," she whispered into his chest, inhaling his scent.

"Yes, Spence, I'm here," he replied, his voice warm and full of love. Oh! How much she loved him.

"Are you real?" she asked, daring to take a peek. His eyes widened in shock.

"Of course I am," he asked, sounding pained. "What does that mean?"

"Are you real?" she repeated, looking at him strangely. "Are you alive? Or are you dead? Maybe you are a ghost. Maybe I am just imagining this and I am just going mad."

"You are not going mad and you are not imagining things," he said firmly, placing a hasty kiss on the top of her head. She nearly smiled. "I am here, it's me. Everything is real."

"I thought you were dead," she said, her voice cracking. "I saw you in the woods that night. _You_ let me believe you were dead. How could you do that to me?"

Her tone was accusatory, filled with pain. In one swift moment he scooped her up, careful not to let go of her. She just tightened her grip on him, and he led her to the couch. Snuggling up against his chest as she sat down, she refused to even move from his lap. There would be no distance between them tonight.

"How could you do that to me?" She repeated. "I still dream – actually nightmare is more the term, but it wouldn't make sense grammatically – about it everyday. Today I pulled off the helmet and saw that it was you...Mona...she...she lit you on fire. I can't...I don't want you to..."

Her voice trailed off, unable to continue. It pained her immensely to even think about it. To talk about it.

"I am sorry," he said, his voice somber. "I should have come clean with you...told you...but I am sorry. I am so sorry Spence. I can't even imagine what you went through..."

"That night, I wished I were dead too," she said with a sob.

"Sssh Spence, please don't say that," he whispered, his voice cracking. Spencer didn't have to look up to see that he was crying now as well. She knew him as well as she knew herself. Their hearts were entwined and in tune with each other in a way like nothing else.

"Why shouldn't I?" Her voice was angry now. "I had to see your dead body – or whoever it was, but it was real to me. I had to live with it, believing it was all my fault. Toby...you can't just..."

"I know," he said. There wasn't an ounce of defensiveness in his voice, just terrible pain and defeat. "I am so sorry. Spence, I am sorry, I am so terribly sorry."

"I know," she said mimicking his words. And she did. Despite how rarely they ever spoke about what happened, she knew he was sorry, she knew the words of his heart without him having to speak it. "I know Toby."

"I promise you. I will never leave you again. Never. I will always stand by you, _always_."

"Even when I go to the bathroom?"

A smile played on his lips, and he gave her a quick peck on the side of her head. "Well that depends on you."

"Good." She closed her eyes and placed a kiss on his shoulder. "Because I don't like being away from you. _I hate it. _So much. It is **awful**."

"I don't like being away from you either," Toby said, pulling her even closer.

She smiled, inhaling his homely smell. "Take me to bed."

Ever the obliging boyfriend, he scooped her up in his arms, and took her upstairs, switching the light off before he did. Once they were in his – their – bedroom, he pulled away to put her down on the bed. She hated the loss of contact, but she knew it was very, very temporary. Refusing to let go of his hand, she pulled him down on top of her, and let out a childlike laugh at feeling of his warm body pressing against her. He rolled over onto his back and opened his arms, causing for her to snuggle into him like a child.

"This is real," she muttered into his chest a small smile appearing on her lips. "You are real. You are here."

"I am," he said, pulling a blanket over both of them.

"I love you, Toby. I know I don't say it enough, but I do."

"I love you too, Spencer. So much, that it drives me crazy half the time."

She nodded into his chest. "I know. I am the same."

In his protective and safe arms, Spencer felt a wave of calm settle over her. Everything was fine. She was home.

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_Please review, they mean a lot to me. And a new STDF update will be up by the end of this week, I promise. _

_Nidz_


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